Ch-ch-changes

We are all shaped by our experiences, both the good and the bad. I am the person I am today because of mine. If you knew me ten years ago, I’m almost certain you wouldn’t recognise me now. But that’s part of life right? We continuously grow and we continue to learn.

University left a dark stain on me, a written-off Aygo on the M25 and 2 difficult jobs left saw that mark spread even further, and now it feels as though grief has taken over whatever blank space was left.

Recently, I feel as though I’ve got no fight left. No spark. No capacity for anything other than this sadness. I’ve taken all I can handle, and that’s it.

It feels as though there’s something constantly downloading in my brain which is slowing down my ability to be me. I’m not running at full speed.

It worries me that this is forever. Everything I’ve read about loss and grief emphasises that it never goes away - so is this it?

My rational mind knows this isn’t right, and that I will continue to adapt and become someone new. Someone who has lost their mum, but who has survived it. I will always be impacted by her loss, but I need to remind myself that I’m also impacted by her life, and if there is anything to be learnt from her time with us, is that life is too short.

I will get used to this new person I feel as though I’ve become, and experience has shown me that I can overcome whatever has been thrown my way - I think all I can do at the minute, is hold tight.

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We change for the better as well..

In her dying weeks, when my sister and I were caring for Mum, I learnt that I had more patience than I ever knew I had. I found strength, self-control, and a calmness that I never knew existed. I’m so genuinely proud of that person, but I never want to meet her again. I now know she’s there, but I hope I never need her again.