How do I plan a future without you?

Mum’s are supposed to always be here.

No matter how old you are, what you do, or where you are in the world, a Mum is the one constant. That one person who grounds you, and who truly loves you. The person who knows you the best in the world, after all, for a long time, you were a piece of them.

My mum was always there. She always had her phone in her hand and she would answer it no matter the time. Even at 2AM during a night out at uni because they’re playing her favourite sound in Popworld.

I’ve spoken before about how difficult it is to get my head around the finality of all of this, and her phone spontaneously removing her from the whatsapp groups the other day was a moment that stopped me in my tracks. That was an unexpected dagger to the heart which physically hurt.

She’ll never send me another text. She’ll never tag me in an embarrassing post on Facebook. I’ll never hear her voice when I make a phone call.

Dwelling on that is the torture. I’m welling up just writing those words. But I can’t fight it. Accepting it is the hardest thing in the world, but I believe that doing so will be a step in the direction of making a life that will never involve her, but will instead honour her. She’ll underpin everything I do. Every decision I make, whether that be a life changer or a mundane choice, will be done with her in mind.

I wish every day that she wasn’t dead. But it’s not like wishing to win the lottery, because no matter how slim, there is still a chance of that.

But she is. I’ll never see her again, but I’ll need to find her in everything I do.