The rollercoaster of grief

Since I last posted, thankfully, things have got easier. If I’ve learnt anything about grief so far, it’s that it comes in waves. Last month I felt as though I was drowning it in, but the last week or so has been easier.

I was explaining this to a friend, and she said to me ‘don’t feel bad for not feeling too sad at the minute’, and the thing is, it hadn’t even crossed my mind to feel bad this. I think about her at least 10 times a day and anything can remind me of her. The other week, I cried at a Dettol advert because ‘she would’ve brought that’. But guilt is something I’m not connected to at the minute. I think that’s down to be able to enjoy her memory in this phase, and knowing this is how she would want me to be.

The sad reality is that I know this more positive mindset will end, and I’ll find myself back in a place where it’s too painful to even say her name or share memories of her. But it’s important to not focus too much on that.

What I hope is that with time, the gaps between these two states of emotion will get longer. I hope that one day, I’m in a position where the majority of the time, I am able to think of her, to look at pictures and discuss memories with a smile, instead of those phases where I can’t even bare say her name.

It’s v corny, but hopefully the storm will pass.

(I have definitely milked the life out of this wave metaphor)