Nothing compares

Recently, I’ve had such an urge to text her. I know this is the worst possible thing to do, but I am just so desperate to talk to her.

It’s been over a year, and yet the need to talk to her just hasn’t gone away. it genuinely hurts my soul that I just can’t pick up the phone and talk to her. I can’t talk to her about the most trivial things. I can’t just give her a call when I’m walking the dog.

Moving away has felt so much like when I went to uni. Like many girls, moving away at 18 pulled me closer to my mum. I would speak to her everyday and rely on her for so much. I have those same feelings now, but there’s no one there. No one to give me the support that only a mum can, no one to motivate me like she did. No one to listen to me ramble aimlessly when I’m ringing her just to talk like she did.

Friends and other family members have without a doubt stepped up, but there’s this huge void left behind, that just can’t be filled.

I’ve arranged to meet up with my godmother soon, and I’m so excited to see her and talk to her about mum. Ask her about the person I didn’t know, Lynne before she was a Mum. But I wonder how that will go. Will that leave me feeling closer to her? Or just make that void feel even wider?

I just wish more than anything, that this didn’t happen. She really, really. shouldn’t have died.