But you’re doing fine

I was at an event recently where I was chatting to someone I didn’t know that well, but some of my family do, and they knew that my mum had passed.

They asked me how we were getting on and said “but you’re doing ok though?” and without thinking, I just said “not really”.

I know they didn’t mean anything by it, and I’m sure they wouldn’t have thought that I would still be thinking about it (shout out to all my fellow anxiety sufferers who stay awake every night thinking about everything they’ve ever said) but it’s been playing on my mind. Am I supposed to be ok now? Is a year the cut off point? Do I need to stop talking about her and grief?

Have I had my moment of sadness, and should I be swallowing it down and moving on?

I stopped taking anti-depressants a couple of months ago, and that didn’t feel like a poignant moment. Perhaps if I hadn’t taken them before it might have - but my mental health is a wild ride so I’m sure I’ll be back on them once again.

The connection between grief and time is intense, and one I think has been mentioned in every blog post I’ve written. I dread it, I resent it and I hate that it moves me away - but on the other hand, at times, I welcome it, and it occasionally brings some solace.

Truthfully, I don’t ever what to get over it. I never want to hear an ABBA song and not think of her or not see her when I look in the mirror.

One thing I have realised lately is that I’m learning to live with the grief, rather than battling it. It’s always going to be here, I just have to mould myself around it