Might delete later x
About a month after my mum died, I got my haircut. It was a huge change, I chopped off about 9 inches of hair and chucked some blonde in there.
Afterwards, it dawned on me that this was the first thing to happen to me that she didn’t know about, and it was such a weird feeling.
So much has moved on and changed, and at times I feel as though it’s only demonstrated just how much we need her, how central she was to our lives, and how she kept us all together.
One thing that’s been on my mind lately, is the things she’ll never see and all the things she’s going to miss out on. I was scrolling mindlessly through TikTok the other night, and I saw this video of a girl telling her mum she was pregnant and I couldn't take my eyes off the screen, it was torturous and I was sobbing - but I couldn’t stop watching.
This entire topic is something I find the hardest to deal with a lot of the time. I’m not even 100% sure if I want to have children, yet seeing girls my age with kids and their mums is so bitter.
My Mum loved children, growing up she was a childminder, our house was full of small people. When her friend, who would later become my mother-in-law, had her first grandchild she sat my older sister and I down and half-joking told us she was ready to be a grandma. I rolled my eyes and laughed at her - but now I have this weird feeling that I deprived her of that.
Immediately after she died I had this thought that a baby is exactly what we needed and would bring happiness to years of suffering, but thankfully that was a fleeting idea. Now, I can’t imagine having children and her not being part of it.
I think this is one of those ‘time will help’ situations, and something I really don’t need to think about at the minute - but it’s the little reminders, seeing children with their grandparents, that flare up every emotion grief controls.
I said when we first found out she was dying, that the rest of my life will be tarnished with sadness as she’ll always be missing, and I often think about how right I was.